Is my Dad in Heaven

My journey as a single mother is quite complex. I tried the co-parenting thing and it seems I complicated things by getting involved with the father of my kids. Yes that’s right, I formed what I thought was the greatest alliance ever. We could still raise our kids together and sort of have a relationship of our own. A part of me ‘loved’ him enough to lay my all for him and the Twins. I made sure a relationship between them was possible even if I had to fight to make sure he saw them. Then now I ask myself, why should I have to ‘make’ it happen? Isn’t he supposed to just want to see them?

So in July we had the Twins birthday and the dad was very much involved. It always makes me happy seeing the Twins happy, they loved how hands on their dad was and best part he bought them bicycles that they had been wanting for a very long time yaaaaayyy!!!! There are events that I will disclose in a different post that transpired and left a very deep toxic wedge in my relationship with the dad. Dude why you gotta keep the Twins bicycles though????

Since then, he has not spoken to or seen the Twins. It started with excuses of work and would opt for the helper to look after them while I went to school the weekend. The Twins would call from their mobile number and there was never an answer. They would leave voicemails expressing how they miss him and asking then begging to see him. No call or voicemail has ever been returned. I have always reassured these brokenhearted sad faced babies, telling them how he ‘is at work’. 

Amadeus asked me if I could buy them a new daddy? Why would my 6 year old son have such a request? His answer was because their dad has forgotten them. Adeodatus continues to want to call even if there is no answer but he is on the verge of giving  up. He said maybe we must just leave him alone because why is he not calling us? I told him he is probably busy and he said maybe he just doesn’t want us anymore! My heart shattered into a million pieces and I told him that is not true. The deal breaker, Amadeus asked me if the dad went to heaven??? How do I answer that honest, desperate question? My eyes flooded with tears as I asked him why he would ask this question? His answer was simple, he has forgotten us and doesn’t love us anymore. I choked on my own words as I told him that the dad does love him (I was choking because even I don’t know that anymore). I gave so many big hugs and kisses to him and told him how much I love him too. 

I am not perfect, I’m so far from it but I try to be there for my children the best that I can. They will still always want even if its 0.05% from him which I cannot guarantee they will get but I will give them my 100%.

13 thoughts on “Is my Dad in Heaven

  1. 😭😭😭 this post broke my heart. we all want what is best for our children. this day and age witg such a high rate of absent fathers it’s harder for mothers and we play the dual role. what pisses me off is these fathers make elaborate promises and never deliver. with my first child whne his father left i never made an effort to develop a relationship between him and his dad. ita not my job. so i have left it alone 10 years later my son is happy and he has all the love he needs.

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  2. Those little souls are the best thing that ever happened to him and he doesn’t realize it 🙁 they are so intelligent and happy that not having him around, might just be the best thing that ever happened to them???
    Stay strong my friend and send all my love to the boys ❤️❤️

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  3. Uhhhhhhhhh every single mother can relate. My Kgoshi started asking me for a new daddy as soon as he could talk. He would say stuff like my daddy is a bad boy as he would find pictures of him and other women on his phone and he would say mommy find me a nice house and a new daddy so we do not have to stay wit his daddy anymore…As for promises I am over them, when he says he is gonna see the child I do not tell my child until daddy is physically outside. Not so long ago my son asked me if his daddy loved him, I wanted to say I do not know (I know he odes not care) but I had to be a mom and say something nice like “I am sure daddy loves you a lot” and I know that is not true. I agree why do we have to call them and remind them they have kids they have to visit, call on their birthdays (Kgoshi almost 6 like the twins but has never spent a birthday with daddy and daddy has never called on his birthday)……I am at a point where I told myself do what you can and raise your child with lots of love the rest God will see you through

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    1. I think it’s more damaging to the Twins now because its a on and off relationship. They have become so confused and it shatters their hearts because they don’t really understand what is what. As a mother I can’t help but also blame myself for exposing them to this all in the name of wanting my children to have a dad. I have learnt the hard way and it really pains me but at the same time it is building us. I do not want to continue to expose my children to harsh conditions that will scar them for life. I will leave all in the hands of God and make sure I give it my all as a mother. Thank you for sharing your story Tlou and I wish only the best for Kgoshi and you.

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  4. Thank you Thandie…My biggest worry is allowing this men damage our kids and they run as they always do and leave us to deal with it. I would rather have him grow up knowing daddy is not there than have him grow up thinking daddy doesn’t love me because he only visits once a year. Sometimes harsh conditions come in human form and in this case they come as daddy or supposed to be daddy……

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